This post was inspired by a dear Toastmaster friend who gave me an article that reprinted the classic one made popular by Ann Landers in 1999.
Here it is:
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Ask assistant to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from living-room curtain. . Remove third pill from foil wrap.
9. Wrap cat in beach towel and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat’s head under assistant’s armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you’ve made for this purpose. Then, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow.
10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat’s neck and head. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
12. Fetch screwdriver, and put cupboard door back on hinges.
13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.
15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie front paws to rear paws, and securely tie to leg of dining table. Open cat’s mouth with tire iron. Drop pill, hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into cat’s mouth. Hold head with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat’s throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.
17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm and removes pill remnants from eye.
18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish
This is so funny and I’ve no doubt some cat owner has experienced at least one of these steps trying to give their cat a pill. I’ve been lucky. With Wilson all I have to do is pop a pill into two Greenies Feline Pill Pockets squeezed together and he gobbles it right up. No hassle. No fuss. I have to use the Chicken flavor because Wilson seems to be allergic to FISH (I told Wilson he needs to have a conversation with his Creator about this cosmic joke.)
But if your cat isn’t as cooperative as Wilson, here is a video that has had quite a few views on YouTube. It is of a vet giving instructions on how to give a cat a pill. The beginning of it feels, well, familiar! LOL